I was supposed to get married. I was 5 days away from the dream day. But my dream day did not include my dream man. 5 days away from the big day, there were many (and I mean many) red flags popping up, one after another. It wasn’t like 1 here and 1 there. It was like 10 here, 5 there and then to top it off 10 more there. It was bonkers! My stomach was sick and churning and I just could not control my emotions. I was a bottle of nerves– losing 12 pounds in a week (my dress was LOOSE without my “spanx” which are recommended to all brides), I couldn’t sleep and to top it off, I was about to burst into tears from stress.
The day before I called it off, I saw him and I could not look at him. The sight of him made me MORE sick to my stomach. I left where I had met up with him and I called one of my dear friends. I told her I couldn’t look at him. She told me I needed to talk to him. I got to my parents house, carried my wedding dress into the house and tried to make small talk with my parents. My dad asked me if I was alright and I burst into tears and just said I didn’t want to marry him. How sad is that?
I was 6 days away from my wedding. I was crying because of all the concern, unknowns and fear that I was dealing with. I sat down, shared my concerns, my doubts, my fears and just released all that was plaguing my heart. My parents both were so amazing. They have told every single one of my sisters and I that it is never to late until you said “I do.” They, in that moment, told me the same thing. The money, the phone calls and even the gifts weren’t important, my happiness was more important.
I met with my bishop and shared my concerns. I talked with him for an hour. I then talked with his wife for awhile. She shared some advice that ALL young single adults should KNOW and pay attention to. She said “When you share your concerns, if it is ALL about him, then it isn’t right.”
I got in the car, I called him and he told me he’d come over when he was done eating at Denny’s and that he didn’t want anyone around when we talked. Yup, obviously, already all about him. He came over about 30-45 minutes later. He sat down. The conversation revolved around him. It was what he was feeling, what he thought would make it better, him, him, him. Finally, I just said “I don’t make you happy. I truly don’t. If I did you wouldn’t be lying and you wouldn’t be avoiding me. You don’t make me happy. You don’t respect me, we don’t have the same goals, we don’t want to go in the same direction. It’s okay. We don’t work.”
In my mind, I had made my decision. It was made. I couldn’t go into something that was THIS broken. But I wanted him to sleep on it, to pray about it and to come to his conclusion on his own. After a 3 hour conversation, he left, kissed me and I felt nothing. NOTHING. He kissed me over and over and I still felt nothing. I said good bye. He sent me tons of texts messages. He felt that we could make it, etc, etc. How could my last kiss as an engaged girl be so pitiful? I went to bed.
I then had the most amazing, precious dream that someone could ever have that was a decision maker. Now, the dream for some would be just be a dream but for me, it was a truer than true revelation sent from above. Now, to completely understand my sweet experience, you have to know that both my grandmothers have passed. I went to bed around 1 AM. I said my prayers, climbed into bed and then suddenly, I am listening to my ancestors who have passed repeatedly saying “we have to tell her.” Over and over, they said that. I started saying, rather yelling “tell me what?” They couldn’t tell me. But they were so worried. My dream had ended and I was in such a light light sleep that I was aware that my dad was coming down the stairs and into my room to check on me. After some time, we’ve been able to talk about these 2 experiences. My dad was basically kicked out of bed, he was filled with dread, and he didn’t know what he was going to see when he came downstairs, he just knew he had to check on me. A few days later, I saw a picture of my grandmother (dad’s mom) and I asked what color her hair was when she was young…. Putting the pieces together, I realized that she was one of the beautiful ladies that came to me in my dream.
Now, let’s fast forward to Friday, I called it off. Full blown, No, I’m not going to get married. What am I going to tell people? What am I going to do about my ring? The truck that he has that was in my name? What am I going to do about gifts? The what am I going to do questions continued to come. It was hard.
Mostly, I did not want to let anyone down.
I called my schools secretary– “please get me an emergency sub.” I called my next door room teacher —“please get my room set up for a sub.”I called my dear friend and said “send out a massive email to ask for privacy and let the faculty know– NO wedding.”
I went to school (even with all the back up in place and was flooded with support and love and kindness.
Now, each day , I am continually flooded with emotions about my choice. My choice was the right choice. But the emotions of love, kindness, support, kind words, and honestly, it was so reassuring that I was not letting anyone down still come. At least once a week, I am told that I am one of the most courageous ladies out there. I am told that people are proud of me. The list goes on.
Everyone says that it takes courage. But please know that unless you’ve called off your wedding, you honestly do not know what type of courage it takes. I was talking with someone who had also made the life changing decision. It was great to see the actual understanding in someone else eyes. I tell everyone I am ok because I am and they UNDERSTOOD why I was truly ok.
Please stop telling me that it is alright to be not okay. Please stop telling me to tell you the truth about how I feel. I am. I am okay. I am telling you the truth.
Girls and Boys: You are strong enough to make tough decisions. You can do hard things. If you know it isn’t right, you have time to change it up until you said “yes” or “I do.”
This is my love story. It is my story of how I found out how much I am truly loved. It’s not about a love story to a boy.
One day, I’ll have the love story with the boy of my dreams, until then, bring it on! 🙂
Courtney & TBD 